Be Prepared for When You May be Called on to Care

In this blog we provide some tips and guidance to help those suddenly faced with the daunting responsibility and challenge of caring for an elderly loved one.

“There are only four kinds of people in the world.

Those who have been caregivers.

Those who are currently caregivers.

Those who will be caregivers, and

those who will need a caregiver.”

― Rosalyn Carter

Somehow, we instinctively feel our parents will go on forever.  The current, most senior generation tend to be very hardy and fiercely independent.  At some point however, all of them will need help.  They don’t want to be a burden: they say “I can manage and don’t need any help”.  They say this despite facing some of the hardest years of their lives.  Some in pain due to chronic illness (which they fear will only get worse) others enduring sudden severe grief and loneliness after half a century of a happy marriage.

We worry about them, try to help doing what we can, hoping for the best.  But one day the call for help will come.  It is usually an emergency – a broken arm or hip from a fall or rushed admission to hospital.  Suddenly “next of kin” are needed.  Woken in the middle of the night or unexpectedly interrupted at work, we drop everything to help our loved one, rushing to the rescue in a panic, fearing the worst.

Whatever the situation, your first days as a next-of-kin carer can be overwhelming and totally new.  Here below are some lessons learnt and ideas to help you prepare for the inevitable:-

Refusing Help

For clients who have not care before, we often find some resistance to the suggestion of carer visits.  They don’t like to admit they need care and are unhappy to lose any part of their privacy and independence.  This is most common where the support needed includes personal care.  At Right at Home we are very sensitive to such reactions.  We understand it can take time to build trust and gradually help our new client to accept the support offered.  We find it is best, where possible to start with just a few hours of help each week.  Nine times out of ten, within a week or two, our client is more than happy with the new arrangement, as they realise the carer is only there to help and not going to take over or invade their privacy.   

The Roller Coaster

Sometimes the final years, months or weeks you spend with a loved one can be the best of times.  You may become closer to them than ever before.  You get quality time to talk, share memories and just be together.  My Dad told me stories of his National Service in Egypt in the late 1940s: getting his haircut from German PoWs yet to go home after the war ended.

This upside, however, will be matched with a downside, when the roller coaster steams downhill to a trough or despair, severe illness, anger, confusion and frustration.  Some conditions such as strokes or dementia can be heart breaking, as you see you loved one lose capacity or mobility and cease to be the whole person you once knew, and loved so much.

Care Options

If your loved one has mental capacity make sure you register the two Powers of Attorney – one for health/well-being and one for financial matters.  Both of these are vital and without these (should your loved one lose mental capacity) any financial decisions will need approval from the Court of Protection.  Health and care related decisions will be made by health professionals in “best interest” decision meetings in which you will have no say. 

This painful situation was graphically illustrated in the 2020 news story where a nurse was arrested for taking her 97 year old mother home from a care home after being prevented from seeing her for 9 months https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-nurse-arrested-for-trying-to-take-mother-with-dementia-out-of-care-home-for-lockdown-12123863.

Talk to your loved one about their preferences.  How is their care to be arranged for both the short term and long term.  Everyone is different and under UK law the whole ethos is designed around person centred care.  There is no “one size fits all” solution with detailed care plans being used to agree bespoke arrangements and routines in support of the person.

Most people (90%) prefer to stay in their own homes for as long as possible.  Those living alone however, may benefit from the company of having others around them in a residential care home.   

In-home caregivers (“domiciliary care”) like Right at Home, provide help with daily activities—bathing, dressing, toileting, meal preparation and following the doctor’s recommendations. We provide supervision and companionship, and above all, peace of mind.   This service can be a lifesaver for those who are simply too busy or too far away to help.  The service is, of course, provided at a cost, but this cost may be more than worth it if it saves a marriage, career or the next of kin’s own health and well-being.

Shared Experience and Know How

Taking over care and responsibility for a loved one can be daunting.  There can be a lot to learn.  Always remember there is someone who has “been there.”  It is good to talk and feel lifted by others going through the same challenges you are facing. 

There is a wealth of information on the internet for example https://www.ageuk.org.uk/ and https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/. 

When looking for a care home or home care provider look at the inspection reports prepared by the Care Quality Commission (the regulator in this sector) https://www.cqc.org.uk/ as well as www.homecare.co.uk who publishes independently verified client reviews.

Experienced carers (family members or professional) can often suggest practical ways of managing the most challenging behaviour.  For example how do you keep safe a highly confused and anxious  aged parent who insists of leaving the house at all times as they want “to go home”. Experienced carers can also just listen and empathise with what you are going through.  Stress-relieving laughter can lift our spirits.  

It is always a good idea to build a network of friends, contacts and support groups.  There are numerous community groups providing social events for seniors, as well as dementia-friendly cafes or sing-a-longs for people with memory loss and their carers.

Technology Benefits

Technology can help.  Many families instal CCTV to help protect the safety of their loved one.  There are also other alarm systems and pendants that can be used by our loved ones to alert their next of kin (or emergency services) that they need urgent help.

Lean on Others

Remember caring for someone is a team effort.  You can’t do it all by yourself. Enlist family members to help.  Make sure local health professionals do their part, get to know the local GPs, district nurses and pharmacists.  If you use a home care provider, they should help with this too: contacting other agencies when needed and co-ordinating all those involved in ensuring the care and well-being of your loved one.

Take Care of Yourself

Lastly the stress of caregiving can put your health at risk.  It’s not selfish to make time for exercise, eating well and doing things you enjoy. Repeat as necessary: “Caring for myself is an important part of caring for my loved one.”

About Us

Right at Home Mitcham, Streatham and Dulwich supports vulnerable adults with personal care and companionship in their own homes.  Most of our clients live with dementia and in social isolation. All clients are treated with dignity and respect.  All our visits are at least one hour. 

We have 2 goals:-

1)            To become the best care provider in South London; and

2)            To build a business where people truly love coming to work.

Contact us for a friendly chat and further information on 0208 004 9644.