“I Want to Go Home” – When Mum No Longer Recognises Her Own Home

Dementia affects much more than simply forgetting things.  It can change how the brain processes memories, recognises familiar places and makes sense of the world.

One important explanation is that Mum may believe she is living at an earlier time in her life.  As dementia progresses, recent memories can become much harder to access, while memories from many years ago may remain surprisingly strong.  Mum might struggle to remember what happened yesterday but vividly recall her childhood home, her parents or the house where she brought up her young children.

Imagine that, in Mum's mind, she is now 25 years old rather than 85.  The house she remembers as home could be somewhere she lived 60 years ago.  Her current house, however familiar to everyone else, simply doesn't fit with the world she believes she is living in.  This experience is sometimes called time-shifting.

What is happening inside Mum's brain?

To understand this, it helps to know a little about how dementia affects the brain.

In Alzheimer's disease, the most common cause of dementia, one of the areas often affected early is the hippocampus, a small structure deep inside the brain that plays a vital role in forming new memories and helping us understand where we are.

As brain cells become damaged and connections between them are lost, the brain struggles to store and retrieve information.  Mum may no longer be able to access the memories that tell her this is her present-day home, even though she has lived there for decades.

Other parts of the brain, including the temporal and parietal lobes, help us recognise familiar surroundings and understand our position in space.  Damage to these areas can interfere with the brain's ability to interpret what the eyes are seeing.

So Mum may look around her living room, see the same furniture and family photographs, but her brain cannot reliably put all that information together and produce the reassuring recognition: “This is my home.”

Importantly, this is not stubbornness or simply being forgetful.  It is the result of physical changes and damage within the brain.  And because different parts of the brain are affected differently, Mum may recognise her home perfectly well one day but be completely confused the next.

Sometimes, it's not about the house at all

Sometimes, “I want to go home” is not really about a building.

Home may represent safety, love, familiarity and comfort.  Mum may be looking for the reassurance she once felt with her own mother or father.

Her confusion is real to her.  Simply telling her she is wrong will not necessarily change what she is experiencing.

What can families do to help?

1. Avoid arguing or correcting her

Saying “Mum, you've lived here for 30 years!” may seem logical, but it can make her more distressed.

2. Respond to the feeling, not just the words

Try saying, “You seem a little worried, Mum. I'm here with you.”  A gentle voice and reassuring presence can make an enormous difference.

3. Create familiar, comforting moments

A cup of tea, favourite music, family photographs or simply sitting together can help Mum feel safe and settled.

Remember, it's not about the house

For families, these experiences can be upsetting and exhausting.  But understanding why they happen can make it easier to respond with patience and compassion.

Because when Mum says she wants to go home, sometimes what she's really saying is, “I want to feel safe, comfortable and loved.”