How to Talk to a Loved One About Care

Talking to a loved one about care can feel like a difficult conversation to start, particularly if they value their independence or are reluctant to accept help. However, discussing their needs early can help you understand what support they may benefit from and give them more choice over their future care. 

In this guide, we explore how to talk to a loved one about care, from choosing the right time and starting the conversation to discussing homecare options and respecting their wishes.

The thought of having a conversation with a loved one about care can be daunting for many reasons, and these anxieties can come from both sides of the exchange.

From the perspective of your loved one, being told that they may need care can trigger unpleasant feelings. This can include fear about losing independence or becoming a burden, or worrying about the financial aspect of care. It can also be hard to admit to a decline in health or wellbeing.

Meanwhile, family members may feel guilt about suggesting care for a loved one, believing that they should bear all the responsibility for supporting them. There may also be awkward feelings surrounding the role reversal of parent and child when speaking to an elderly parent about care. For an adult child, having to take on the role of an authority figure for a parent who once looked after them can feel wrong, while the parent can face feelings of wounded pride or loss of control over their life.

Everyone involved can feel vulnerable and sensitive while having the care conversation, making it easy for people to feel hurt or defensive and descend into arguments.

Knowing when to talk to a loved one about care can be difficult. There may not be one clear sign that they need support, but changes in their daily routine, wellbeing or ability to manage everyday tasks can indicate that it is worth starting a conversation.

Some signs that it might be time to talk about care include:

• Struggling with everyday tasks: They may be finding it harder to prepare meals, keep on top of household tasks, manage medication or get dressed.
• Changes in mobility: You might notice they are less steady on their feet, avoiding activities they previously enjoyed or becoming more reliant on furniture or other people for support.
• Neglecting personal care: Changes in bathing, dressing, grooming or maintaining their usual routines can sometimes indicate that they are struggling to manage independently.
• Missed appointments or medication: Forgetting appointments, bills or prescribed medication more frequently could be a sign that some additional support would be helpful.
• Changes in their home: An unusually untidy home, spoiled food, empty cupboards or an increase in household accidents may suggest they are finding things difficult.
• Increased isolation: If they are becoming less socially active, reluctant to leave the house or spending more time alone, care and companionship could help them remain connected.
• You are becoming increasingly concerned: Sometimes, there may not be a single obvious change. If you find yourself regularly worrying about whether your loved one is safe and coping at home, it may be time to gently explore whether they could benefit from some extra support.

These signs don't necessarily mean that your loved one needs full-time care. They can simply be an indication that it is worth talking openly about how they are managing and whether some additional support could make everyday life easier.

You can open the conversation with an observation to let your loved one know that you’re coming from a place of love and care for them and help them start thinking of the benefits care could have. This observation can be followed with an open-ended question to help your loved one open up about any challenges they are facing in their day-to-day life.

Here are some examples:

• ‘I noticed your fridge is a bit bare, are you finding it difficult to get to the shops?’
• ‘I noticed that you’ve skipped your book club a few times recently, how have you been feeling?’
• ‘I noticed you seem a bit down recently, how are you managing at the moment?’
• ‘You don’t seem like yourself recently, is there anything you’re struggling with at home?’

When you bring up the idea of care, use softer terms such as ‘support’, ‘help around the house’ or ‘companion’.

Here are some examples:

• ‘How would you feel about some extra support?’
• ‘Do you think it would make things easier if someone came to help a few hours a week?’
• ‘Did you know that there are services that offer assistance around the house?’

When it comes to talking about care with your loved one, it’s good to listen more than you speak. Let them talk for as long as they need to and pay attention to what they’re struggling with and what they’re worried about so you can ensure that the solution you both come up with is right for their needs and preferences. 

Another difficult situation that can arise is that other family members, such as your siblings, have different ideas about the best way to care for your loved one. This becomes even more complicated when more than one person has Power of Attorney and you disagree about the care your elderly parent needs. This can cause fighting and stress at a time when everyone is already anxious and sensitive.

Remember that however heated your arguments may get, you all want what’s best for your parent, you just have differing opinions about the best approach. In this sense, the best course of action is to try to remove opinion and bias from the decision making. One way to do this is to keep a detailed record of incidents when your parent could have benefited from care. This could be missed medications or falls. Grounding your conversations in facts is more convincing than broad statements like ‘she isn’t coping on her own’.

If you and your siblings are still disagreeing, it could be worth sourcing a professional opinion from a GP, social worker, or care provider. This is one way to get a concrete idea of your parent’s care needs without the bias that someone close to them may bring to the conversation. Clinical proof of your parent’s needs or diagnosis can also help when your siblings are in denial about your parent’s health needs.

Talking about care with someone living with dementia can require a little more patience and flexibility. Changes to memory, communication and the ability to process information can make conversations about care feel confusing or overwhelming, particularly if your loved one does not recognise the difficulties you have noticed. There are certain approaches and strategies that you can use when communicating with someone who has dementia.

For example, it’s best to choose a quiet, familiar environment and a time when your loved one is relaxed and able to concentrate. Avoid having the conversation when either of you is tired, distressed or under pressure. Reducing background noise and other distractions can also make it easier for someone with dementia to follow what is being discussed.

Try to keep the conversation simple and focused on one issue at a time. Speak calmly and clearly, give your loved one plenty of time to respond, and avoid interrupting or finishing their sentences for them. If they are struggling to understand a question, try rephrasing it rather than simply repeating the same words. Giving simple choices can also be easier to manage than presenting several options at once.

The idea that dementia automatically means that someone is unable to make decisions is a common myth about dementia. Your loved one should be given the opportunity to express their wishes wherever possible.

If your loved one agrees to explore care, start by finding out what matters most to them. They may have strong preferences about who provides their care, when visits take place, what they want help with and what they would prefer to continue doing independently. Taking these preferences into account can make care feel like a way of maintaining independence rather than losing it.

At Right at Home, we design care around your loved one’s individual requirements, preferences and routines. Our Carers can provide a range of support in the home, from help with personal care, medication and household tasks to companionship and support getting out and about. The aim is not to take over the things they can still do for themselves, but to provide the right level of support to help them remain independent and continue living well at home.

Right at Home can also provide a care consultation if you’re worried about talking to your loved one about care. This gives everyone the opportunity to talk through concerns, ask questions and explore the different options available, without committing to care.

Whether you are just starting to think about care or you are unsure what level of support your loved one needs, our local teams are here to provide guidance and help you understand the next steps.